Please contact our friends listed below to let them know how much you appreciate what they are doing to keep semi-automatic assault weapons and armor piercing ammunition where it belongs, in the hands of insecure WHITE men who have small penises.
WAYNE LAPIERRE – National Rifle Association CEO and Executive Vice President
Mr. LaPierre is the last line of defense we have against the dark forces that are gathering to come for our guns and ammo. He is out there on the battlefield of public opinion, telling the truth and facing down those who would crucify him if given the chance. Speaking of crucifixion, just think how many Romans Jesus could have taken out if he had been armed with a Bushmaster .223 semi automatic Adaptive Combat Rifle with a 100-round Beta C-Magazine.
Mr. LaPierre selflessly fights on our behalf everyday, asking for nothing in return other than our unshakeable faith in the 2nd Amendment. Some smart asses like to point out that Mr. LaPierre also happens to earn 1 million dollars a year in return for his efforts. So what. Joel Osteen preaches every week that riches like this are God’s blessing. Who on the face of this earth deserves more blessing than Mr. LaPierre?
Please call Mr. LaPierre to let him know how much you appreciate all he is doing for the small penised, white guy community. He needs our support more than ever.
NRA offices – 1-800-672-3888
LOUIE GOHMERT (R) – 1st District Congressman from Texas
Why do we think Louie is the greatest Congressman ever? Well, first of all, his face looks like the head of a fully engorged penis so he provides inspiration for small-penised WHITE guys everywhere. Then there is his brilliant reasoning ability. After the Aurora, Colorado shootings he made the point that things would have turned out differently if there had been a small-penised/big-gunned WHITE guy in the audience. Now he has shown his Solomon-like wisdom again by pointing out all we need to do is arm every teacher and school administrator to put an end to school shootings. Call Louie and give him a shout out for calling for a shoot out.
Washington office 202 225-3035
fax 202 226-1230
Texas Toll Free 866 535-6302
RICK PERRY ( R) – Governor of Texas
What more needs to be said? Governor Perry knows how to handle a firing rod. Sure, there have been longstanding rumors in Austin that Governor Perry is a closeted homosexual, but we know that is nothing other than the putrid swill served up by liberal lie mongers. They’re the types who would suggest that Governor Perry’s big Texas swagger is classic overcompensation by a man who must establish a beard personality to hide his true self from the public. If there’s one thing this man never forgets, it’s that nothing puts a smile on a man’s face like holding a big gun and squeezing real tight. Call Governor Perry to tell him to keep fighting the good fight.
Office phone – Sadly, he is no longer in office.
MITCH MCCONNELL ( R) – Senator from Kentucky
Senator McConnell has spent his legislative career fighting for gun rights. Sadly he didn’t get to go over to Vietnam in 1967 to actually use a gun to fight those God damned Viet Cong because he was discharged from the U.S. Army Reserve after just four months of service for optic neurosis, a minor condition that can be easily treated with steroids. The discharge was facilitated by influential Kentucky Senator John Sherman, who claimed Mitch needed to leave the service to attend law school at New York University.
So what if this explanation didn’t make sense because Mitch already had a law degree from the University of Kentucky, and he never enrolled at NYU after leaving the Army Reserve. And so what if there have been longstanding rumors in Kentucky that he was actually court-martialed for homosexual activity. All that matters is that Mitch has been in the Washington trenches fighting to make sure white men with small penises can have big guns. Call Mitch to show your support. Also, while you’re at it, ask him to release his military records so he can put those ridiculous rumors to rest. Maybe Donald Trump can help with this.
Office phone (202) 224-2541
National Small Penis Association 
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